Tim
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
The "Car Talk" show (on National Public Radio) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers, have a feature called "The Puzzler." Their most recent "Puzzler" was about the Battle of Agincourt.
The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance.
The puzzler was: what was this body part?
This is the answer submitted by a listener:
Dear Click and Clack,
Thank you for the Agincourt "Puzzler," which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore, and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew." Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some "folk etymologies" have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative "F," and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
I hoped you liked the history of "the finger"
Quayle, Gingrich, and Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the Land of Oz. They decide to go see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain!"> Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!" Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
Feeling old? If not, consider this:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
They have no memory of a time before MTV. "New Wave" is their PARENTS' musical generation.
Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, and the Kinks are all old music they have heard of - if they have heard of it at all.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a losing Congressional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey history text's reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
Their world has always included AIDS.
Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the1970s.
They see "Family Ties" as something middle aged ladies watch.
They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids - on video.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes.
They may have heard of an 8-track, but probably never actually seen (or heard) one.
From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing - and why anyone WOULDN'T buy a Suburban is beyond them
they don't know we took pictures of the moon in 1965 - both sides.
they don't know there is no water on the moon's surface.
and they never heard of jimmy carter.
So......Are You Now Feeling Old ??? Hmmmm....
Keep it between the lines ! Pre-mature senility and Alheimers !!
Feeling left out of the vast right-wing conspiricy? Don't feel like you really belong? No More!!! For a short time, we are offering a special introductory membership in the Grassy Knoll on the Right Foundation.
You may have heard of our world wide organization from Hillary Clinton's recent praise of our grass roots networking abilities during her appearances on Good Morning America and the Today Show. We have enlisted support at all levels of government and are busy at work on our latest project.
By now you have read of our success in planting a young woman in the White House with the charm and beauty to seduce the President, have their encounters tape recorded and leaked surriptiously to the media. Of course this sort of sinister plot to infiltrate the highest levels of government isn't cheap, especially while we're also busy hiding aliens in New Mexico, continuously covering our tracks concerning our involvement in the Kennedy assisignation and protecting Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa, and various Nazi war criminals in our underground lair in Argentina. We truly are spread throughout the world, but we are increasingly spread thin.
Please give as generously as possible so we can continue our extermist agenda of subverting the most powerful nation on earth. If we are to continue our plot to undo the results of two American elections and return America and the world to extremist right wing dominance, we need your help.
Send your donation today to the Grassy Knoll on the Right, c/o International President Lemain Droit. 101 Secret Underground Lair Drive LaPaz, Argentina 00126-6521. Your generous support is appreciated.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION, Marketing Department,
Military Aerospace Division, P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO
Best Excuses to miss a day of work:
If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
I can't come to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I don't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
C L I N T O N B A B E S
One day about a month ago, Governor Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge; a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the Governor of Arkansas. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" She replied "$200.00." To the brunette he made a similar proposition. Her reply was $100.00. He then made the same proposition to the redhead. Her reply was, "Governor, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, keep it up as high as gas prices, get me as hot as my house in the summertime, and screw me the way you do the public, believe me Governor, it won't cost you a damned cent!"
Canoe Skins
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"
Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F_____ Age:_____
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
Dog Fight The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. It's cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some 'religion!'" The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
Top Twenty Reason Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex.
Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night and just can't get to sleep. He decides to go to his parent's room to go chat to them. Upon entering their room, he sees their blankets going up-and-down.
Johnny:" Mommy, daddy, what are you doing?"
Parents:" We are playing cards, now GET OUT!"
So Johnny decides to go into his grandparent's room, only to find the blankets going up-and-down.
Johnny:" Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?"
Grandpa:" Get out! We are playing cards!"
Feeling rejected, Johnny goes back to his own room and gets back into bed.
A while later both his parents, and grandparents feel bad for yelling at him so decide to go and apologize. Upon entering his room, they see the blankets going up-and-down.
"Johnny! What are you doing??!!"
Johnny:" I'm playing cards."
Grandpa:" But who's your partner?"
Johnny:" With a hand like this, who needs a partner?"
The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard ask: "What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the crap out of a ghost.
A respected Irish judge left Clancy's bar after a hard night of tippling. Halfway home, he was overcome by nausea and upchucked all over his fine suit. He explained to his wife that a drunk had staggered into him in the street and soiled his clothing. "Aye, Moira, not to fear." he said. "I had him arrested, and Monday I shall give him 30 days for this atrocious offense." His adoring wife dutifully cleaned his suit without comment. Before leaving for court on Monday, he reminded Moira that he was going to sentence the suit soiler to 30 days, upon which Moira replied, "Better give him 60 days, your honor, he crapped in your pants, too...
"WHY MEN CAN'T WIN"If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and lacy underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you must be gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs, keep in shape, and dress provocatively you are sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are stuck on yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.
If you are totally beat after a hard day's work, you don't give a shit about other people's needs.
If she's totally beat after a hard days work, you bring out the can opener.
If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
Cowboy Wisdom
*If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
*Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
*It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
*Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
*Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
*If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
*Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
*Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
*Always drink upstream from the herd.
*Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
*If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
*When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
*There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
*When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
*Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
*Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
*The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
*Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Here they are! They were quick in awarding the 1997 Darwin awards this year. For those of you who don't know, the Darwin award is given to the individuals who have done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Enjoy!
DARWIN AWARD NOMINEES FOR 1997 BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.
* In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
* According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
* In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
* In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
* In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTION
4 guys are telling stories in a bar. 1 guy leaves for a bathroom break. 3 guys are left.....
First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."
Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."
Fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is
STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stock for his birthday."